Jill Vega
Goddamn me. Fuck this.
I'm really drunk, that's all.
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milkspillmess
27 August 2009 @ 02:29 am
Jill Vega
Goddamn me. Fuck this.
I'm really drunk, that's all.
25 August 2009 @ 05:37 am
This is nothing. This, I can clean up. I might not even have to kill people. I might only have to make a phonecall. I might be able to be on my way back to my family by tonight (it's in the goddamn AM here) instead of tomorrow night (which is when I'm leaving back for the lakehouse at the very fucking latest.) I don't know exactly what's up between these three kids, but goddamn, you know?
When I saw that bruise on her face, God, did I want to kill a motherfucker. But that's now how to handle a situation like this, especially for one blow and even I know that. Girl probably never had a black eye in her life, and shit happens. It was bound to happen at some point. I think I have a good idea about what's happening here, on all accounts.
Blue's fine. If they've never really seen him, they can't associate him with the girls. I don't know if he's fine with the stress of the situation but goddamn, you know, I am just not usually great in areas like that. That is not my specialty.
Elle's... trouble. Young, and she's trouble even if she has good intentions. I got the impression that Blue would listen to me, and that Billy would listen to me, but Elle just might not. That girl needs to stitch her heart back under her sleeve and think with her head before she gets herself killed. I am not coming back to fix this again. Not for her, not for Blue, not for Billy. And I can't really say, one hundred percent, that I know Blue would stay out of this mess now that I've told them what's up. I'd like to think he would. I'd like to think Elle would.
There's some human trafficking going on at that casino, but it's not like how they think. If any of the girls or boys are used sexually, I bet it's rare as fuck if it happens at all—no, it's about the blood. Vampires. James? Fuck James. I don't know him personally, but I've heard enough to know he's just some pissass human on a power trip because he feels he's working with God. Maybe he's right, maybe Nikolai is a God. But he's a God that owes me a favor.
Billy is okay—I've seen her much worse than this. If she's not working at Halcyon Days anymore, she'll need a new job and in the meanwhile, I'm going to pay her apartment up for three months. I know she takes care of Angela, but fuck it, I'll pay that shit forward for a few months too. Whatever, that's nothing. Fucking kid just had no idea what the hell she was doing. This isn't Las Vegas, sweetheart, and maybe you should go back to Hollywood.
Sometimes I feel like I owe Billy. If it wasn't for what Jett and I did back home in Chicago, what we brought back with us—Brooks would still be alive for her. And I'll pay that debt. I'm paying that debt right now, right here. I just need to make her promise that no matter what, she'll keep her head down and stay out of it. And she will, if I ask her to, because that's Billy. She'll do what she's told.
Malachi... I don't know jack about and I don't give a fuck as long as he doesn't get in my way while I'm here.
Isaiah... I could write a whole page on, so I'm not even touching it right now. My head will fucking explode, and besides, we have to talk. I'll write more when I've talked to him. Because I'm not worried about any of those kids. But I'm worried about Isaiah. I still feel like he's not being completely straight with me. I still don't feel like I can trust him one hundred percent.
But that call from the doctor changes shit, doesn't it?
When I saw that bruise on her face, God, did I want to kill a motherfucker. But that's now how to handle a situation like this, especially for one blow and even I know that. Girl probably never had a black eye in her life, and shit happens. It was bound to happen at some point. I think I have a good idea about what's happening here, on all accounts.
Blue's fine. If they've never really seen him, they can't associate him with the girls. I don't know if he's fine with the stress of the situation but goddamn, you know, I am just not usually great in areas like that. That is not my specialty.
Elle's... trouble. Young, and she's trouble even if she has good intentions. I got the impression that Blue would listen to me, and that Billy would listen to me, but Elle just might not. That girl needs to stitch her heart back under her sleeve and think with her head before she gets herself killed. I am not coming back to fix this again. Not for her, not for Blue, not for Billy. And I can't really say, one hundred percent, that I know Blue would stay out of this mess now that I've told them what's up. I'd like to think he would. I'd like to think Elle would.
There's some human trafficking going on at that casino, but it's not like how they think. If any of the girls or boys are used sexually, I bet it's rare as fuck if it happens at all—no, it's about the blood. Vampires. James? Fuck James. I don't know him personally, but I've heard enough to know he's just some pissass human on a power trip because he feels he's working with God. Maybe he's right, maybe Nikolai is a God. But he's a God that owes me a favor.
Billy is okay—I've seen her much worse than this. If she's not working at Halcyon Days anymore, she'll need a new job and in the meanwhile, I'm going to pay her apartment up for three months. I know she takes care of Angela, but fuck it, I'll pay that shit forward for a few months too. Whatever, that's nothing. Fucking kid just had no idea what the hell she was doing. This isn't Las Vegas, sweetheart, and maybe you should go back to Hollywood.
Sometimes I feel like I owe Billy. If it wasn't for what Jett and I did back home in Chicago, what we brought back with us—Brooks would still be alive for her. And I'll pay that debt. I'm paying that debt right now, right here. I just need to make her promise that no matter what, she'll keep her head down and stay out of it. And she will, if I ask her to, because that's Billy. She'll do what she's told.
Malachi... I don't know jack about and I don't give a fuck as long as he doesn't get in my way while I'm here.
Isaiah... I could write a whole page on, so I'm not even touching it right now. My head will fucking explode, and besides, we have to talk. I'll write more when I've talked to him. Because I'm not worried about any of those kids. But I'm worried about Isaiah. I still feel like he's not being completely straight with me. I still don't feel like I can trust him one hundred percent.
But that call from the doctor changes shit, doesn't it?
24 August 2009 @ 05:34 pm
I'm pissed the fuck off. What the fuck is going the fuck on at fucking home? Shit. I'm supposed to be on a goddamn fucking familial vacation with my man's fucking freak-ass funky cousin & Co. What the fuck is this shit? "Oh, Jill is out of town, let's get into trouble!" Fuck you douchebags. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you people?! Can you not stay out of trouble for a goddamn second? I'm not coming back home. I'm not.
But I'm going to kiss my man, and my kids, and I'm coming back for like a day or two to try and do some damage control. God. People in this town just cannot survive without me. Where the hell is Dillon? I should call his lazy punk ass and ask him why HE'S MAKING ME COME BACK HOME SINCE HE WON'T DO HIS GODDAMN JOB. GOD. YOU ARE ON MY LIST, DILLON JONES.
I love you, Marius. I'll be back in a couple days. Ugh.
But I'm going to kiss my man, and my kids, and I'm coming back for like a day or two to try and do some damage control. God. People in this town just cannot survive without me. Where the hell is Dillon? I should call his lazy punk ass and ask him why HE'S MAKING ME COME BACK HOME SINCE HE WON'T DO HIS GODDAMN JOB. GOD. YOU ARE ON MY LIST, DILLON JONES.
I love you, Marius. I'll be back in a couple days. Ugh.
17 August 2009 @ 08:57 am
The test results from the doctor's office came back this morning.
I don't know what to do with this right now.
15 August 2009 @ 06:50 pm
I want you to know that I'm happy for you.
I wish nothing but the best for you both.
An older version of me, is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently, and would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother.
'Cause the love that you gave, that we made,
wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
and every time you speak her name, does she know
how you told me you'd hold me until you died, till you died—
but you're still alive!
And I'm here to remind you of the mess
you left when you went away.
It's not fair to deny me of the cross
I bear that you gave to me.
You, you, you oughtta know!
You seem very well; things look peaceful.
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know.
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner.
It was a slap in the face, how quickly I was replaced—
and are you thinking of me when you fuck her?
'Cause the love that you gave, that we made,
wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
and every time you speak her name, does she know
how you told me you'd hold me until you died, till you died—
but you're still alive!
And I'm here to remind you of the mess
you left when you went away.
It's not fair to deny me of the cross
I bear that you gave to me.
You, you, you oughtta know!
'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed, that was me
and I'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes
and you know it.
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back,
I hope you feel it.
Well, can you feel it?
[A.M.]
I wish nothing but the best for you both.
An older version of me, is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently, and would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother.
'Cause the love that you gave, that we made,
wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
and every time you speak her name, does she know
how you told me you'd hold me until you died, till you died—
but you're still alive!
And I'm here to remind you of the mess
you left when you went away.
It's not fair to deny me of the cross
I bear that you gave to me.
You, you, you oughtta know!
You seem very well; things look peaceful.
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know.
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner.
It was a slap in the face, how quickly I was replaced—
and are you thinking of me when you fuck her?
'Cause the love that you gave, that we made,
wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
and every time you speak her name, does she know
how you told me you'd hold me until you died, till you died—
but you're still alive!
And I'm here to remind you of the mess
you left when you went away.
It's not fair to deny me of the cross
I bear that you gave to me.
You, you, you oughtta know!
'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed, that was me
and I'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes
and you know it.
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back,
I hope you feel it.
Well, can you feel it?
[A.M.]
08 August 2009 @ 01:48 pm
Okay, this shit is NOT cool. IT IS NOT COOL TO NOT ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE FOR TWO DAYS WHEN YOUR EX-WIFE IS CALLING YOU TO TALK TO THE CHILD YOU SHARE BEFORE SHE LEAVES TOWN BECAUSE YOU ARE A FIRST CLASS FUCKING DOUCHE. It is NOT going down like this. It's been awhile since we've been married so maybe you forgot just who the fuck you are dealing with here. FUCK YOU, JETT EDWARDS. FUCK. YOU.
I carried her almost ten goddamn months IN MY BODY. I had her and a few months later after working out like a madwoman, we went on an extended European tour together for the album I had just released. She learned how to walk, with me. She learned how to talk, with me. I have taken care of that little girl FINANCIALLY and EMOTIONALLY and MENTALLY and PHYSICALLY. When the Russians kidnapped her, where the FUCK were you, Jett? What were YOU doing to make sure our little girl came home safe? What kind of deals were YOU making with the devil to make sure it fucking happened? When you have her instead of me, and I call you, YOU ANSWER THE GODFUCKINGDAMN PHONE. PUNK ASS MOTHERFUCKER. What if I need to tell her goodnight and sweet dreams? What if she needs me to tell her that, since she still has nightmares some nights?
I'm driving over there and I'm asking Severin to come with me, to wait outside, because I am not leaving town without seeing Sylvie. And I don't want to just take her to be a bitch, but I kind of do want to just take her because I fucking told Jett about this lakehouse vacation — and the only reason he's being such a dick is because it burns him up that things seem to be working out for Marius and me, and he's being a fucking ass. Sylvie has a father and she knows her father is Jett, not Marius. Therefore? NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, HOLY SHIT, OKAY? STOP TAKING YOUR SHIT OUT ON ME. FUCKASS.
Just need to remind myself to keep my cool, keep my cool, because if he's there, it'll be messy. Unlike me, he doesn't mind yelling and making a scene in front of Sylvie -- AND THAT TOO PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF. CONTROL YOURSELF AT LEAST AROUND THE KIDS. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
UGH. FUCK MARRIAGE. FUCK DIVORCE. FUCK BABY DADDY DRAMA.
If I had wanted to, I could have taken you to court a long fucking time ago. You have never paid child support even when I found myself in a bind and probably could have used some help. Normal visitation with Sylvie, for you, would be every other weekend. But do I hold you to that? No, I don't. I let you see Sylvie pretty much whenever you want to see her unless—like this lakehouse thing—I have plans that involve her. Even though you act like such a fool sometimes and it makes me want to keep Sylvie away from you, I don't. Because I may not be a traditional mother, but I am one hell of a good mother and I care about what she needs. And I feel like, hey, she needs both of us even if we aren't together.
And when you threaten to run off to some other country to 'get away from everything' because you can't handle seeing me with someone else, and having a baby with someone else, it really really really pisses me off. Fine then. Go. If you can just leave Sylvie behind like that, do it, fuck you. Go. Because I'm here, and I've always been here, and I'd never leave her behind. So FUCK YOU, Jett.
I may have hurt you, but I have never used Sylvie to hurt you. And it's NOT OKAY that you use her to hurt me. GROW UP. ALL RIGHT??? FUCK.
I carried her almost ten goddamn months IN MY BODY. I had her and a few months later after working out like a madwoman, we went on an extended European tour together for the album I had just released. She learned how to walk, with me. She learned how to talk, with me. I have taken care of that little girl FINANCIALLY and EMOTIONALLY and MENTALLY and PHYSICALLY. When the Russians kidnapped her, where the FUCK were you, Jett? What were YOU doing to make sure our little girl came home safe? What kind of deals were YOU making with the devil to make sure it fucking happened? When you have her instead of me, and I call you, YOU ANSWER THE GODFUCKINGDAMN PHONE. PUNK ASS MOTHERFUCKER. What if I need to tell her goodnight and sweet dreams? What if she needs me to tell her that, since she still has nightmares some nights?
I'm driving over there and I'm asking Severin to come with me, to wait outside, because I am not leaving town without seeing Sylvie. And I don't want to just take her to be a bitch, but I kind of do want to just take her because I fucking told Jett about this lakehouse vacation — and the only reason he's being such a dick is because it burns him up that things seem to be working out for Marius and me, and he's being a fucking ass. Sylvie has a father and she knows her father is Jett, not Marius. Therefore? NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, HOLY SHIT, OKAY? STOP TAKING YOUR SHIT OUT ON ME. FUCKASS.
Just need to remind myself to keep my cool, keep my cool, because if he's there, it'll be messy. Unlike me, he doesn't mind yelling and making a scene in front of Sylvie -- AND THAT TOO PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF. CONTROL YOURSELF AT LEAST AROUND THE KIDS. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
UGH. FUCK MARRIAGE. FUCK DIVORCE. FUCK BABY DADDY DRAMA.
If I had wanted to, I could have taken you to court a long fucking time ago. You have never paid child support even when I found myself in a bind and probably could have used some help. Normal visitation with Sylvie, for you, would be every other weekend. But do I hold you to that? No, I don't. I let you see Sylvie pretty much whenever you want to see her unless—like this lakehouse thing—I have plans that involve her. Even though you act like such a fool sometimes and it makes me want to keep Sylvie away from you, I don't. Because I may not be a traditional mother, but I am one hell of a good mother and I care about what she needs. And I feel like, hey, she needs both of us even if we aren't together.
And when you threaten to run off to some other country to 'get away from everything' because you can't handle seeing me with someone else, and having a baby with someone else, it really really really pisses me off. Fine then. Go. If you can just leave Sylvie behind like that, do it, fuck you. Go. Because I'm here, and I've always been here, and I'd never leave her behind. So FUCK YOU, Jett.
I may have hurt you, but I have never used Sylvie to hurt you. And it's NOT OKAY that you use her to hurt me. GROW UP. ALL RIGHT??? FUCK.
07 August 2009 @ 11:25 pm
P.S. 5 to 10 days. I'll be at the lakehouse by then.
_______
Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?
I have, I've been protested and demonstrated against:
picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at times,
sick is the mind of the motherfucking kid that's behind all this commotion,
emotions run deep as oceans exploding, tempers flaring from parents
just blow 'em off and keep goin', not takin' nothin' from no one.
Give 'em hell long as I'm breathin', keep kickin' ass in the morning
and takin' names in the evening, leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinegar
in they mouth. See, they can trigger me but they'll never figure me out.
Look at me now, I bet ya probably sick of me now, ain't you, Mama?
I'ma make you look so ridiculous now.
I'm sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry
but tonight, I'm cleanin' out my closet...
I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it
so before they throw me inside my coffin and close it, I'ma expose it.
I'll take you back to '73 before I ever had a multi-platinum sellin' CD:
I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple months—my faggot father must have
had his panties up in a bunch 'cause he split; I wonder if he even kissed me
goodbye. No, I don't, on second thought I just fuckin' wished he would die.
I look at Hailey and I couldn't picture leavin' her side; even if I hated Kim, I'd grit
my teeth and I'd try to make it work with her, at least for Hailey's sake. I maybe
made some mistakes but I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today.
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb, but the smartest shit I did was take
them bullets out of that gun -- 'cause I'da killed 'em, shit, I would have shot Kim and him both.
It's my life, I'd welcome y'all to the Eminem show...
I'm sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry
but tonight, I'm cleanin' out my closet...
Now I would never diss my own mama just to get recognition, take a second to listen
who you think this record is dissin', but put yourself in my position, just try to envision
witnessin' your Mama poppin' prescription pills in the kitchen, bitchin' that someone's
always goin' through her purse and shit's missin', goin' through public housing systems,
victim of Münchausen syndrome. My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't
till I grew up now I blew up—it makes you sick to your stomach, doesn't it? Wasn't it the
reason you made that CD for me, ma? So you could try to justify the way you treated me, ma?
But guess what, your gettin' older now and it's cold when you're lonely, and Nathan's
growing up so quick now, he's gonna know that you're phony. And Hailey's getting
so big now, you should see her, she's beautiful, but you'll never see her, she
won't even be at your funeral. See, what hurts me the most is you won't admit you
was wrong -- bitch, do your song, keep tellin' yourself that you was a mom, but
how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get, you selfish bitch, I hope
you fuckin' burn in hell for this shit. Remember when Ronnie died and you said
you wished it was me? Well, guess what, I am dead, dead to you as can be.
I'm sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry
but tonight, I'm cleanin' out my closet...
[Eminem]
_______
Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?
I have, I've been protested and demonstrated against:
picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at times,
sick is the mind of the motherfucking kid that's behind all this commotion,
emotions run deep as oceans exploding, tempers flaring from parents
just blow 'em off and keep goin', not takin' nothin' from no one.
Give 'em hell long as I'm breathin', keep kickin' ass in the morning
and takin' names in the evening, leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinegar
in they mouth. See, they can trigger me but they'll never figure me out.
Look at me now, I bet ya probably sick of me now, ain't you, Mama?
I'ma make you look so ridiculous now.
I'm sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry
but tonight, I'm cleanin' out my closet...
I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it
so before they throw me inside my coffin and close it, I'ma expose it.
I'll take you back to '73 before I ever had a multi-platinum sellin' CD:
I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple months—my faggot father must have
had his panties up in a bunch 'cause he split; I wonder if he even kissed me
goodbye. No, I don't, on second thought I just fuckin' wished he would die.
I look at Hailey and I couldn't picture leavin' her side; even if I hated Kim, I'd grit
my teeth and I'd try to make it work with her, at least for Hailey's sake. I maybe
made some mistakes but I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today.
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb, but the smartest shit I did was take
them bullets out of that gun -- 'cause I'da killed 'em, shit, I would have shot Kim and him both.
It's my life, I'd welcome y'all to the Eminem show...
I'm sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry
but tonight, I'm cleanin' out my closet...
Now I would never diss my own mama just to get recognition, take a second to listen
who you think this record is dissin', but put yourself in my position, just try to envision
witnessin' your Mama poppin' prescription pills in the kitchen, bitchin' that someone's
always goin' through her purse and shit's missin', goin' through public housing systems,
victim of Münchausen syndrome. My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't
till I grew up now I blew up—it makes you sick to your stomach, doesn't it? Wasn't it the
reason you made that CD for me, ma? So you could try to justify the way you treated me, ma?
But guess what, your gettin' older now and it's cold when you're lonely, and Nathan's
growing up so quick now, he's gonna know that you're phony. And Hailey's getting
so big now, you should see her, she's beautiful, but you'll never see her, she
won't even be at your funeral. See, what hurts me the most is you won't admit you
was wrong -- bitch, do your song, keep tellin' yourself that you was a mom, but
how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get, you selfish bitch, I hope
you fuckin' burn in hell for this shit. Remember when Ronnie died and you said
you wished it was me? Well, guess what, I am dead, dead to you as can be.
I'm sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry
but tonight, I'm cleanin' out my closet...
[Eminem]
07 August 2009 @ 08:06 pm
A girl kissed me and I did not like it. :(
How embarrassing. Ugh.
Then Blue was all... I don't know what was up with him. I think he kind of told me, but after some alcohol (and a little blow), I don't remember. Goddamn it. I'm not sure whether to be annoyed or concerned.
How embarrassing. Ugh.
Then Blue was all... I don't know what was up with him. I think he kind of told me, but after some alcohol (and a little blow), I don't remember. Goddamn it. I'm not sure whether to be annoyed or concerned.
05 August 2009 @ 03:28 pm
Got a letter from Marius today. Seriously. Doesn't he know how to use his goddamn cellphone?
Still, I put it up against my nose for the longest time, thinking I would catch the smell of him. Sigh. That asshole.
Still, I put it up against my nose for the longest time, thinking I would catch the smell of him. Sigh. That asshole.
04 August 2009 @ 02:45 pm
I almost called Dad because I was upset, but I'm mad at him. Marius, I almost called a hundred times, sitting in our bed in our room. I wanted to know what he would say, what his opinion or his advice would be—but I couldn't. I didn't even call him to talk because I wasn't sure if he would be able to tell that I was upset.
I feel like he's probably stressed out enough, dealing with his mom, and I shouldn't bother him with my own stress. But I miss him, already. With everything that's happening, I might pack up earlier than I planned to leave for the lakehouse but I can't leave immediately because I don't want to deal with Jett drama. We're not married anymore. I don't feel obligated to participate in his tantrums.
I feel like he's probably stressed out enough, dealing with his mom, and I shouldn't bother him with my own stress. But I miss him, already. With everything that's happening, I might pack up earlier than I planned to leave for the lakehouse but I can't leave immediately because I don't want to deal with Jett drama. We're not married anymore. I don't feel obligated to participate in his tantrums.
04 August 2009 @ 02:10 am
03 August 2009 @ 05:55 pm
I'm tired and I don't want to write about the 'business' end.
Bjorn called, he's coming back to town. Ugh. I feel kind of guilty and I don't like that entire situation.It's just, the whole thing is It's complicated. Brother against brother, cousin versus cousin.
I'm sick to death of other people's families. Fuck.
I want ice cream (& some sex.) :(
If Aden didn't meddle so goddamn much—
Bjorn called, he's coming back to town. Ugh. I feel kind of guilty and I don't like that entire situation.
I'm sick to death of other people's families. Fuck.
I want ice cream (& some sex.) :(
If Aden didn't meddle so goddamn much—
03 August 2009 @ 04:28 pm
Ugh, can't fucking sleep while Marius is out of town. This bed is too big—and the way Severin looks at me sometimes, I'm only human. For me, sex has always been separate from love, so me wanting to sleep with him doesn't mean I'm any less devoted to Marius. In fact, it should speak of the level of my devotion since I haven't fucked him.
There's no Severin at Blue's place, though, so I enjoyed crashing over there on the sofa the other night when I was too wasted except for the hangover from hell part the next morning. I can't help wonder if me not coming back home that night trickled through the whole damn household, though, and ends up making it back to Marius -- what he'll think, you know? But if he doesn't mention it over the phone when I call him, then I won't, because I don't want to turn nothing into something. I think he would know that he doesn't need to be jealous of Blue, though. Blue is a nice guy, and he would never try anything; we're as different as night and day besides.
Both kids were at Dad's for the weekend or were supposed to be, then Dad calls me to tell me that Jett called him upset (because apparently my ex-husband can't fucking call me directly anymore), pissed that I'm taking Sylvie to the lakehouse in a few weeks for "who the fuck knows how long." But you know what? Whatever, it's the summertime and I understand that this isn't just my kid, it's our kid. And yeah, I don't care if you like it, I am taking her to the lakehouse because it's a family affair and I'm not excluding her because I don't want to think about the repercussions of that later on -- i.e. her feeling like an outsider if Marius and I work out in the long haul, and Marius being Lucian's father but not hers, because she's mine and Jett's, but she lives with me. Sylvie belongs wherever I belong, I'm her mother, and that's it.
But it's not like Jett won't see her for months. I don't know how long we'll be at the lakehouse but I can't imagine it being for more than a month—and it's not like I can't put Sylvie on a plane with someone to take her to spend a weekend with her father if it's been longer than that. So I had to go to Dad's, and he said he'd keep Lucian, but I was just like fuck all this dumb shit, you know? I dropped Sylvie off at Jett's then just went home with the baby. Fuck my dad for talking to Jett, anyway. What are they—friends?
So I said Jett could keep Sylvie until we leave town. I fucking hate it because I sure as hell can't sleep with Marius and Sylvie not home, and I hate having to share her though I kind of know that I have to. I hate it here when it's just me, and the baby, and the endless Vega entourage. I hate sleeping in the bed all alone because I don't remember how to anymore. Ugh. I know I'm whining, I just. It sucks. I used to not care about things like this—not Sylvie, but the sleeping alone part. Having to move Sylvie back and forth between us has always bothered me, but what the hell can you do? I love her too much to be outwardly selfish.
Christine's pregnant which is... cool, I guess. At least it's not me because I don't know what I'd do with another kid. I wonder if her and Ray think this will be like some kind of happily ever after and all will be perfect? I don't know because we don't talk like that so I don't pry. Newborns are no joke, and especially the first time is never easy. I think a lot of people imagine having kids and see it as this good idea with no consequences. Everything changes after babies. Your romantic relationship, your goals, what's important to you, life in general -- nothing stays the same. Or at least, it didn't for me.
Don't get me wrong. I'd never turn around and do it all over differently because I love my kids, and I feel like having them saved my life, saved me. But I plan on seeing both of them a lot less (unless they hire nannies like I do), and I wouldn't be surprised if they're both zombies for a few months afterwards. I wonder if Christine will let their kid play with Lucian. I don't know a lot of people with kids (or else I don't trust them), so mine never get socialized around other children. I'm not close with Ray or Christine, and I wouldn't call them friends either, but they don't bother me which is more than I can say for most.
Blue, I'm starting to really like and I don't know why because he's not my usual speed. I feel comfortable spending time around him, I think, because he's not like any of the other guys that I know. Like if I'm at the bar, if I hold a conversation with a guy, it's him or Ray or Dill. Ray because he seems like a happily married man and it's easier to be around men that are happily taken when you are happily taken, et cetera — less chance of drama, you know? Blue because he's not going to hit on me and he's going to treat me like I'm one of his sisters. Dill because it's been years since we've fucked around, and weirdly enough, he might as well be like a brother to me at this point.
It's just -- okay, it sounds stupid, but it's just easier to socialize with men on that level these days. Things just aren't the same now that I'm living with Marius and we have a child together. I'm not good at this commitment thing, and I really am crazy about him, so I don't needed added 'temptations.' I'm weak-willed like that. I know, you know?
Oh, new people at the bar. I like the one girl so far, Elle—she knows how to kick it. Her sister is a dumb cunt, though, and I might end up having to kick her ass. We'll see.
05 April 2009 @ 05:08 am
I don't know what the fuck happened tonight.
Holy shit. All I know is, the next time I see Ruslan, I'll just run. And maybe I should feel the same way about March. Maybe. But I don't know that yet.
Saw Aden. Of course.
Now I am just glad that I'm home where I belong. And I don't have to think about the man in the house behind the hill yet. Not yet.
Holy shit. All I know is, the next time I see Ruslan, I'll just run. And maybe I should feel the same way about March. Maybe. But I don't know that yet.
Saw Aden. Of course.
Now I am just glad that I'm home where I belong. And I don't have to think about the man in the house behind the hill yet. Not yet.
03 April 2009 @ 08:05 am
Earlier at the bar, I realized I was kind of really serious about the whole Marius thing. God. I don't remember the last time I was this twisted up about a guy. Probably Jett.
I mean, while I was with Aden, I was really into it but I was also in this really messed up place in my life -- and in my head. But when I think about Marius, I actually think about the future with Marius.
That's it. I am not allowing myself to write about him for at least like... two weeks. Maybe three or four. I am such a fucking chick. Fuck.
I mean, while I was with Aden, I was really into it but I was also in this really messed up place in my life -- and in my head. But when I think about Marius, I actually think about the future with Marius.
That's it. I am not allowing myself to write about him for at least like... two weeks. Maybe three or four. I am such a fucking chick. Fuck.
02 April 2009 @ 01:58 am
Also — I want to do more music. Goddamn it. But it's all, "Nooo. Stay out of the public eye, Jill. You don't want anyone to be suspicious, Jill." I could always just say that I have an exquisite plastic surgeon, can't I? Of course, it's always a hard road. There's all the hot groupie guys, the drugs, and everything that comes with being a rockstar. My willpower is so low sometimes when it comes to, you know, mindless self-indulgence.
After all the dreams I was having, and am having, I couldn't help but think about the way I used to have sex with Aden -- but it's all kinds of fucked up, and as turned on as I feel during those dreams, afterwards I just want to throw up. Because it's just fucking sick. It really is, and not even because Aden is sick. (I'm a sick fuck sometimes, too, so can I really judge?) I might need to see a psychiatrist again, I think.
I think Blue is really cool. He actually called me his friend the other night and that made me feel good. He's just this really cool kid and he hangs out with me because he likes me for me, not because he wants to bang me because he doesn't, and I think that makes him even more cool. (Just because sex would never happen. He's totally not my type, as if it's not obvious enough. He's too nice and he's not manly enough. I mean, not to emasculate him, but when I think manly, I think... Marius. Dill. Jett. Brahma. Cal. Scotty, even. You know, hardcore-looking motherfuckers.) I don't really know what to do with him, though. I've never had a nice-nice friend before.
I also saw Dill the one time I went out, which was awesome because I hadn't seen that guy in a minute. He promised me more explosives but I really don't know what I'd do with them these days. I guess I'll keep them for a rainy day. It's nice to have dynamite when you need it. <3 blowing shit up sometimes.
After all the dreams I was having, and am having, I couldn't help but think about the way I used to have sex with Aden -- but it's all kinds of fucked up, and as turned on as I feel during those dreams, afterwards I just want to throw up. Because it's just fucking sick. It really is, and not even because Aden is sick. (I'm a sick fuck sometimes, too, so can I really judge?) I might need to see a psychiatrist again, I think.
I think Blue is really cool. He actually called me his friend the other night and that made me feel good. He's just this really cool kid and he hangs out with me because he likes me for me, not because he wants to bang me because he doesn't, and I think that makes him even more cool. (Just because sex would never happen. He's totally not my type, as if it's not obvious enough. He's too nice and he's not manly enough. I mean, not to emasculate him, but when I think manly, I think... Marius. Dill. Jett. Brahma. Cal. Scotty, even. You know, hardcore-looking motherfuckers.) I don't really know what to do with him, though. I've never had a nice-nice friend before.
I also saw Dill the one time I went out, which was awesome because I hadn't seen that guy in a minute. He promised me more explosives but I really don't know what I'd do with them these days. I guess I'll keep them for a rainy day. It's nice to have dynamite when you need it. <3 blowing shit up sometimes.
01 April 2009 @ 06:24 pm
I'm back from vacation and that kind of sucks. Don't even really want to go anywhere, I didn't want vacation to be over. I want to keep being away, being inaccessible.
Told Jett he could have Sylvie for a week to make up for the lost weekends, and kind of wish I didn't have to share. I miss her already.
I hope things work out with Marius. I don't want another kid that I'd have to share like this. It sucks. I hate waking up and knowing my kid isn't here. It's weird.
Told Jett he could have Sylvie for a week to make up for the lost weekends, and kind of wish I didn't have to share. I miss her already.
I hope things work out with Marius. I don't want another kid that I'd have to share like this. It sucks. I hate waking up and knowing my kid isn't here. It's weird.
26 March 2009 @ 01:44 pm
I don't know how to feel right now. It's kind of like I'm happy (or as happy as I've learned how to be), but I don't trust happiness. It's a fleeting emotion that we're given right before the rug is yanked out from underfoot, in my experience.
I don't deserve someone like Marius.
He's rich, and he's powerful, and he's probably extremely cultured, and he also probably knows all the appropriate silverware to eat with. He's devilishly handsome, and he's hot in the sheets, and he's kinder than he has to be even when I know I don't deserve it. He's smart. He's safe. He's so beautiful. He's so much more than Jett ever was -- but I deserved Jett, I deserved that.
"This isn't going to last, is it?" I want to say, but I don't because I'm terrified if we talk about it, it'll be the last thing we ever talk about that isn't about August. He says he wants to be the only one who makes me bleed, and I don't know if that's just pretty pillow talk or if he means that he wants us to be together, really together. I don't ask because I don't want to hear the wrong answer.
No matter what happens when vacation is over, I'll always have him in Bath. I'll always have him in London. I'll always have these memories, and in these memories, he'll always be mine.
Please, don't ever let me go. I might be worth it underneath all the filth. I really might.
This vacation should never end.
I don't deserve someone like Marius.
He's rich, and he's powerful, and he's probably extremely cultured, and he also probably knows all the appropriate silverware to eat with. He's devilishly handsome, and he's hot in the sheets, and he's kinder than he has to be even when I know I don't deserve it. He's smart. He's safe. He's so beautiful. He's so much more than Jett ever was -- but I deserved Jett, I deserved that.
"This isn't going to last, is it?" I want to say, but I don't because I'm terrified if we talk about it, it'll be the last thing we ever talk about that isn't about August. He says he wants to be the only one who makes me bleed, and I don't know if that's just pretty pillow talk or if he means that he wants us to be together, really together. I don't ask because I don't want to hear the wrong answer.
No matter what happens when vacation is over, I'll always have him in Bath. I'll always have him in London. I'll always have these memories, and in these memories, he'll always be mine.
Please, don't ever let me go. I might be worth it underneath all the filth. I really might.
This vacation should never end.
23 March 2009 @ 03:35 pm
I'm impossibly fertile. Marié's mixing this stuff into my drinks every day I wake up to kind of prevent another pregnancy, though, because I think it'd be nice to actually plan it if I ever have another one; even when I use normal birth control, hey, shit happens. I don't know why either because I'm not the archetypal maternal figure (even though I do love my kids.)
I was pregnant after... that thing; before Sam's wake, before Caleb -- abortion. I got pregnant with Scotty a couple weeks after we decided to be monogamous, I never told him, and I borrowed the cash from a bandmate -- abortion. Got pregnant again, not really sure who the father would have been -- miscarriage. Got pregnant the second time I decided to try and be monogamous with Scotty -- had baby, Scottie, RIP baby love. Got pregnant with Jett -- something happened to us in Chicago, miscarriage. Got pregnant with Jett again -- had baby, Sylvie, darling little girl. Got pregnant with Marius -- had baby, August, precious boy.
Holy shit, that's seven times. I hate, hate, hate being pregnant.
I'm about to ask Marié for my drink and I think I'll ask her to make it a double. No more spawning for awhile, if ever.
03 March 2009 @ 08:11 pm
I also miss Jett lately, but really, I've been missing him for a long time now. It just reminds me, sometimes, when I wake up in the rumpled bed alone — and I remember how I used to wake up... well, sometimes he wouldn't be there because he'd wake up early for work, but I could still smell him on the pillow, on my skin, on the sheets. I would twist over, fumble for my cell, call to bother him and just talk fucking dirty so I'd know he would be thinking about me until he came home.
And sometimes I would wake up, and he would be on the other end of the pillow just watching me. Granted, it was kind of creepy at the time but I think these are the kinds of things you miss when they aren't around anymore. You can't just replace something like that. You can't just forget either, obviously.
How stupid am I to think I could have something like that with Marius? I mean, I know I talk a lot of shit and I pretend like I don't care, and I'm technically someone else's wife, and I do love Marius, but Goddamn, I loved Jett. He wasn't just someone that I loved. He was part of me, I was part of him. I was part of something bigger than me when we were together, bigger than being a rockstar, bigger than even being a mom.
I don't know why I'm writing about it now. I have been in an exceptional damn mood since all the sex. Maybe I'm just more open, more vulnerable — to that elevator whirring up, that first apartment that was his instead of ours, the way he looked at me while we were leaning on the car outside of the wax museum. How it just fit, how it just happened. How we used to feel when we were near each other instead of all this screwed up shit and old, old pain.
I don't want that with Marius, but maybe this'll just be another rerun. I fuck up, and now things can't be how they could have been. Well, I think that's fucked up. I think that I deserve better.
I don't know. I don't even want to think about it, really. I just want to do some blow, and sip on some vodka, and smoke my mind out. Not think about the future. Not try to protect myself so hard. Just let it be, you know? Just be happy with what is now.
It is what it is. I agree. So maybe life this week isn't "great," but it's better.
It's getting better.
And sometimes I would wake up, and he would be on the other end of the pillow just watching me. Granted, it was kind of creepy at the time but I think these are the kinds of things you miss when they aren't around anymore. You can't just replace something like that. You can't just forget either, obviously.
How stupid am I to think I could have something like that with Marius? I mean, I know I talk a lot of shit and I pretend like I don't care, and I'm technically someone else's wife, and I do love Marius, but Goddamn, I loved Jett. He wasn't just someone that I loved. He was part of me, I was part of him. I was part of something bigger than me when we were together, bigger than being a rockstar, bigger than even being a mom.
I don't know why I'm writing about it now. I have been in an exceptional damn mood since all the sex. Maybe I'm just more open, more vulnerable — to that elevator whirring up, that first apartment that was his instead of ours, the way he looked at me while we were leaning on the car outside of the wax museum. How it just fit, how it just happened. How we used to feel when we were near each other instead of all this screwed up shit and old, old pain.
I don't want that with Marius, but maybe this'll just be another rerun. I fuck up, and now things can't be how they could have been. Well, I think that's fucked up. I think that I deserve better.
I don't know. I don't even want to think about it, really. I just want to do some blow, and sip on some vodka, and smoke my mind out. Not think about the future. Not try to protect myself so hard. Just let it be, you know? Just be happy with what is now.
It is what it is. I agree. So maybe life this week isn't "great," but it's better.
It's getting better.